When Rebekah commented on a blog post about how she had a baby at 17, I immediately emailed her and asked her to share her story. With Teen Mom on MTV being so popular and glamorizing pregnancy- wait a minute....while a lot of people are saying MTV is doing just the opposite, and showing how hard it actually is, I have to disagree and tell them to look at the bigger picture. These girls are celebrities, appearing on the covers of major magazines, making lots of money (Amber said she makes $250K/year from the show in a court document), and while the show shows their lack of money and education, they HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW. That asshole Jenelle beats her mom up and the TV cameras are right there to film it...and sell millions of dollars in advertising in the middle of everything. If their goal really is to make teens aware of the reality of the situation, they should make it into a documentary and not show these girls' names. Instead, it plays out like a soap opera, each girl a different "character" that people love, hate or love to hate, with people invested in their storylines.
But that's just my take on the show.
Rebekah was kind enough to share her story with us and gave us a very honest and candid look into her life. I don't want this post to start a shit storm of hateful comments, but I understand that there will be some very strong opinions about her story. I wanted to post this because I am always interested in the thought process and events leading to the decision for a teenager to have a baby. Boy, was I in for quite a shock.
I grew up in a big family. I was the second oldest of 7 kids, so I was always a big helper around the house and with my younger siblings. I loved kids from the start! I also had a pretty rough time in my childhood and was abused by several people from age 9 to 14. During and after that I struggled with self worth and went into a deep depression that nearly cost me my life. When I was 15 I met the man of my dreams! He was 19, charming, and could always make me smile. We dated for just over a year when we decided we wanted something more.
[Just want to point out here that I wasn’t the stereotypical teen mom. I got straight A’s in school and graduated only a semester late, never did drugs or drank, and the only person I had ever slept with was my current boyfriend.]
So, me at age 16 and him age 20, we decided to have a baby. Looking back I think I wanted something to live for, something that I could take care of. We got pregnant after the first try and were completely thrilled! Though telling our parents was the hardest part since we knew they would not be happy at all. My boyfriend’s parents had a really hard time with it, as did my Dad. My mom was scared for us but thrilled to be having a grandbaby. Before getting pregnant I had struggled with anorexia with bulimic tendencies so learning how to be healthy for the growing baby was hard for me. I was also still in school and had a job. Between prenatal appointments with my midwife, school classes, and work... I was exhausted.
My boyfriend was amazingly supportive throughout the whole pregnancy, I was lucky to have him. We found out we were having a little girl and named her Abrielle Ada, Abby for short. The pregnancy went well until the last two months or so. I was so swollen I couldn't wear flip flops and fainted almost every time I stood up. I had to quit my job and so my boyfriend was the only one working. We also found out that our daughter was breech. With the help of my midwife we turned her by 36 weeks, but by 37 weeks she was breech again. At 38+2 weeks we had to go to the hospital to have her turned by another doctor. I knew there was a chance we would have to deliver that day, but I don't think I actually believed it. I just kept my mind on turning the baby. The doctor tried several times-which by the way was the most painful thing I had ever experienced so far in my life-but Abby’s heart rate dropped and we had to stop immediately. After going over the risks my boyfriend and I decided it would be best to just deliver her that day.
I was devastated. I was so set on having a natural delivery and instead I was going to have a c-section. I was 17 at this time and scared beyond my mind. My boyfriend was there every step of the way. Then, July 8th, 2008 at 6:09 p.m. we delivered a beautiful baby girl. Every bit of fear left me. I heard her cry and our eyes locked and I just couldn't believe it. I had a baby girl. She was mine. I felt instant love. I knew that she had changed my life forever.
After 3 horrible days in the hospital I was finally able to go home. It was horrible to be honest. I could barely walk, the pain was so intense. My boobs hurt SO bad. Abby however, was wonderful. She slept 6 hours at night by the time she was 6 weeks old, she rarely cried, and she was very alert. I loved my little family so very much. But my happiness didn’t last. I went through a terrible bout of post partum depression. It lasted almost a year. I was terrified of telling anyone. I had to stop breastfeeding and because of the stress I had dried up. I felt like a complete failure. First-having a c-section instead of a natural birth, Second-only being able to breastfeed for 4 months, and Third-being depressed, again.
By the time Abby turned a year old the depression had lifted and I felt good again. I loved being a stay-at-home Mommy for my princess. When she was about 14 months my boyfriend and I decided to try for a second baby. We had always talked about having our kids close together and we didn’t want our age or relationship status to effect our dreams. We got pregnant soon after. My second pregnancy was NOTHING like my first. I was sick ALL the time. I constantly had problems. Early bleeding/cramping, bed rest, preterm labour, more bed rest, more preterm labour, low amniotic fluids, weekly ultrasounds. Finally, I was almost 40 weeks and had another ultrasound booked. I went and they measured but when the technician was finished she asked me to go to labour and delivery and talk to the doctor there. So I went and was told that if my fluids came back as being lower than a 4 I had to be induced as it wasn’t safe for the baby (that I had found out was a boy!). I went home and waited for a call. The doctor called and told me I had to come in right away as my fluid levels were dangerously low.
I was admitted to the hospital the night before my due date and was put on Pitocin during the night. By the next morning I was in some gawd-awful labour!! Worst experience EVER! I had problems clotting and was losing too much blood, the baby's heart rate dropped a few times, and the surgery room was busy! So after 14 hours of hard labour and 2 hours of pushing May 13th, 2010 at 6:06 p.m., Kalazen Lyric was born. We called him Kalan. It felt amazing to be able to trust my body and create and deliver a little baby on my own. I was on a high!
Right from the day Kalan was born he was colicky. I was still on a high from the birth for about 2 weeks, then it all hit me. I had a 22-month old hyper child and a 2-week old colicky baby. I became exhausted. I cried all the time, I had thoughts of hurting myself. I knew the post partum depression was back. This time however I sought help. I was able to go medication-free and saw a doctor and counsellor regularly. After 3 months, the colic stopped and the depression lifted. Finally I had myself back and I could enjoy my family.
Life was great! I had two amazing kids and a wonderful supportive boyfriend. And that pretty much takes us to now! I am 20 years old. My daughter is 2 and a half and my son is 8 months old. I love being a parent but gosh is it ever hard. I am so lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend, without him I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And my kids, they are angels. They changed me into the person I could’ve only dreamed to be. But really, it sounds great, but it’s not all fun and games. It’s not easy in ANY way.
It’s not easy in my relationship...
-we went through many periods of fighting
-we were engaged at one point but broke it off
-we NEVER go out on dates
-we rarely have the time or energy for sex
-we don't take care of ourselves since we are so busy with the kids
It’s not easy financially...
-all us moms know how much it costs to have kids
-if you are not a mom, you cant even begin to imagine all the costs. It’s not just about clothes food, diapers and baby gear!
-at the moment we have no income, we never know when we might have food in our cupboards or gas in our car. My boyfriend lost his job 2 months ago for taking too many sick days. (with kids getting sick, him getting sick, time off for the delivery, time off when i had PPD, time off when I got sick with a tumour, and countless other days off)
It’s not easy emotionally....
-I struggled twice with post partum depression
-my boyfriend struggled with depression
-we are constantly stressed
It’s not easy physically...
-I lost any body I did have
-my hips are forever ruined for having kids too early
-I have the saggy tummy, boobs, and anything else “regular” moms get. A younger body does NOT bounce back. DON'T BELIEVE IT!
It’s not easy in my friendships...
-I went from having tons of friends, to maybe 1 or two.
-I don't fit in anywhere. I can’t hang out with people my age because I have kids. I can’t hang out with Moms because I'm still too young. It’s VERY hard to find friends.
-Many people are still disappointed in me for having kids young and that constantly haunts me.
Overall there are many great things and many not so great things about being a “teen mom”. There are the facts. I do not represent anyone but myself. Everyone’s situation is different. The greatest part of being a teen mom is the same as being a regular mom! MY KIDS! I love them to pieces, they are my world. The hardest part for me, being completely alone. It’s so hard not fitting in anywhere and having no supports. I think that will change as I get older, and I hope it changes soon. Do I regret getting pregnant at 16? Nope, never. It was the best decision I could have made. My kids saved my life. If I didn’t decide to have a baby then, I would’ve probably died. Whether by suicide from the depression or heart failure from the eating disorder. I look forward to the future and can’t wait to watch my kids grow up!
Thanks Mandy, for giving me a chance to share my story
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1. You were 16, so you obviously were not employed full time with health benefits that would have included maternity coverage. Individual policies do not include coverage for maternity/labor+deliver. How did you manage to pay for doctor visits, ultrasounds, delivery and recovery in the hospital?
I was still in school and working as a cashier part-time and also a nanny. I went to a school for teen moms and so my hours were pretty flexible. But since I am in Canada I did not have to pay for healthcare at all!
2. You and your children's father are not married, but are obviously in a committed relationship. Do you think marriage is in the future? Why or why not?
My boyfriend and I see marriage in our future for sure! We want to be financially stable and own a home before getting married though. It seems selfish to do so now. Also we want the kids to be a bit older so they can understand why we want to be married and they can be involved!
3. How did you feel, at 16 years old, that you knew enough about parenting, or even yourself-a lot of us are still trying to decide who we are well into our 20's-to plan for a baby?
I had always been the “parent” in my family growing up. I thought I knew enough (I didn’t!). But I had an amazing midwife who helped me out with anything I needed to know. I also constantly read baby books and searched the internet so I could get an idea on what to expect. Looking back I should have made all the plans BEFORE getting pregnant! We kind of just talked a bit about it, got pregnant, then learned the best we could.
4. Education- are there any plans to finish your education? What about college?
I finished high school a semester late. I did it through homeschooling. So I graduated at 18. I do plan to go to college but not until my kids are in school themselves. I’m still not sure what I want to go for!
5. Knowing how hard it is, would you have waited to have children a little later in life?
Knowing how hard it has been, I think I might have waited. It would have been good to be prepared financially to have children.
6. What advice can you give to other girls your age who are considering having intercourse with regards to getting pregnant?
That’s a tough one! My advice, finish school, go to college, have a good job, THEN think about babies. There’s no sense it doing it all at the same time! You’ve got your whole life to create little miracles! A few years can make a BIG difference. If you find yourself like me, thinking a baby is your only way out of a situation, it’s NOT. PLEASE do not use a child’s life as a solution to anything. It makes things hard on everyone. I really don’t know what to say. Not everyone can be talked out of things. But if someone does get pregnant young, be RESPONSIBLE.
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So, it's a little different because she's in Canada and has free healthcare, but here in the states,where people really only have maternity coverage on a group plan or on an individual healthcare plan with a maternity "rider" (which is SO SO expensive that even WE cant afford it), im always interested to see how these teenagers pay for their prenatal visits and delivery. I think our bill would have been about $30K had we not had insurance. Even more so for C-sections. Every ultrasound was $250. Every appointment was $250. The epidural was $150 CO-PAY, so theres no telling what the cost would be without insurance. How do teens without a job or money pay for this? To be honest, we are holding off on a second child because we simply cannot afford it in our current lifestyle. We have health insurance, but since the hubs is self-employed and I am unemployed, we have it through individual policies, and not on a group plan. To add maternity coverage (which you must pay for for a full year before its covered- meaning, you pay the $500/extra per month FOR A YEAR, then you can get pregnant and they will cover it WHILE you STILL pay the extra $500/month on top of the $$$ you already pay for basic coverage). So, yeah. We- responsible adults in our 30's with master's degrees, can't afford another baby.
Can you tell that I am very sensitive about this?
I'm also fairly certain that at 16 I was an idiot (dad, I know you love me, but you have to agree here), and that I didn't know how to write a check, pay a bill, call long distance or apply eyeliner, so having a baby would have been too much for me. Kinda still is....when you think about it.
Questions?
